ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
