you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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