I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
