Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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