Ketchup is God's man juice
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
