So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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