She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
