Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
