How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
