Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
