Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
