he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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