My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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