after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
