I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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