I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
