I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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