Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
