did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
