i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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