i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
