Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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