i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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