Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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