There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
