I'm going to rape someone's good day.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
