woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
