I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
