you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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