I hope mine doesn't look like that
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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