somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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