just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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