if you like me you must not know who I am
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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