Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
