Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
