my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
