my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
