I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
