i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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