The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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