giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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