I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
