One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
