bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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