Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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