You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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