I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
