I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
