yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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