Ambien. No doubt about it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Send help, water and tortillas.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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