Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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