I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
