Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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