I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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