i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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