I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
