Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
