you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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