I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You're like the curious george of whores
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
